Humanity as a whole is moving towards a new kind of consciousness wherein the end result is going to be a total integration of the unconscious realm into the conscious realm. So, what was once hidden and therefore “nonexistent”, now becomes visible and acceptable due to the integration process. Even therapy systems are changing and widening their scope, with many new elements now being included into the so-called “psycho-spiritual territory”. Some of these elements involve aspects of family dynamics that were in the dark for too long, and one of the most significant of those aspects is death and its effects on the living family members. If we consider the fact that physical death is not the end of existence itself, then the beings that were a little while ago proclaimed dead, meaning gone, are now seen as still having their presence, together with their role in the family. Therefore they need to be treated as such. We have to look at dead family members as not less present and influential (psychologically and spiritually, of course) than the living ones, both in therapy and in “everyday life”. They need to be consciously accepted, recognized, respected and included in our lives. Not in some morbid way, being obsessed with them, but by treating them as conscious entities that still have their place and role in the family, giving us their full support and doing their best to help us reach our goals and achieve maximum happiness. And if we do not have good relations with dead family members, then we need to work on making them harmonious, using the same methodology as the one we apply when sorting out our relationships with the living ones.
This process can be done in individual therapy but is also learned on Transformation of Karmic Patterns courses. Our family matrix includes dead family members as well, so it doesn’t matter if our parents or grandparents are physically dead; we can still have issues with them that demand resolution. Those issues will not somehow disappear with their death; on the contrary, sometimes we feel even more pressured by unresolved problems after somebody dies than before. Therefore dying does not end suffering, neither for the dead nor for the living. So what if we are identified with someone who is not alive? What if some dead family member shares his or her position with our own on the family map? The characteristics and consequences of such identification are specific and differ from those with living family members, so that’s why they require special attention.
Dead person identification (DPI in the rest of the text) and its resolution is probably one of the most significant discoveries of modern psycho-spiritual science because it has been the cause of heavy identity blocks and a whole range of different forms of suffering. With this discovery we are truly a step closer to the Buddhist ideal of “the ending of suffering for all sentient beings”; that’s how important and significant this kind of limiting influence can be. The ending of suffering is not just an abstract ideal that has to do solely with spiritual enlightenment, but also with everyday living and the practical forms of human expression. By dissolving DPI we actually and practically become much freer and suffer less. We not only free our mind, but our soul as well, so that it can freely express and realize itself, unobstructed by some of the biggest aspects of karmic influence, that were up until recently considered “pure fate”.
THE ORIGIN OF DEAD PERSON IDENTIFICATION
This identification has lately become widespread because of the many wars in which people who are not otherwise supposed to die are being killed. According to the rules of nature, most of the casualties of war shouldn’t die since they are too young, but they die all the same because of the use of force. Some people die too early from traffic accidents and some from the wide variety of terminal diseases which are the consequences of modern lifestyles, but also from the covert and overt depopulation measures our governments have prepared for us. Furthermore, some terminal diseases are considered “dishonorable” by religions or society (AIDS for instance) and some deaths as well, suicide being the most prominent example. People who commit suicide sometimes lose their place in the family because they have died in a dishonorable way.
But there is another widespread and relatively unknown contributor to this identification and that would be miscarriages and abortions. People have always practiced some kind of birth control, but contemporary medicine has allowed for this act to be done more safely, with less risk, and therefore more frequently. For some people abortions have become the basic form of family planning, so some women have up to twenty or thirty of them. What we have to bear in mind here is that abortions have consequences, sometimes extremely destructive ones, so we have to know how to deal with them. It doesn’t matter whether the baby is aborted, miscarried or still-born; it also has to be recognized and accepted by other family members. The living members have to sort out their relationships with the dead, so that unresolved or incomplete relationships won’t burden and block them in realizing their goals.
We live in a civilization which does not recognize the afterlife and Christianity, as the dominant religion, makes the afterlife look like a Hollywood fairytale where the soul goes to “Heaven”, “Purgatory” or “Hell” and has no contact with the living, except for “existing in their memories”. But human interconnection doesn’t end with death because it was not only physical anyway. Subtle psycho-energetic relationships continue with the same intensity, sometimes even greater than before and death does not come as a relief to persons who haven't clarified their relationships. On the contrary, for dead people relationships become even more intense because they are not limited by physical reality anymore and their consciousness is not divided into three separate minds – the conscious, subconscious and superconscious. Their consciousness is now unified because now there is only one mind, which is conscious of everything that was up until then hidden in the subconscious or superconscious. The dead person is therefore deeply aware of the character of his relationships with the living and has the need to resolve and clarify them. That is why physically dead family members sometimes have the obsessive need to contact the living. But the living also have the need to resolve entanglements with the dead, although they are usually not aware of it, nor do they want to be aware of it.
So why do we identify with dead family members? The answer is – so that we can keep on being connected with them. For example, if a dead person perished too early or died “dishonorably” and his death became a family secret, some of the living family members will unconsciously identify themselves with that person. They do it in order to stay connected to him because they have a natural, automatic and unconscious need for such a connection. Even if the identified person isn’t aware that there exists some family member who is not physically alive, he subconsciously feels the existence of such a being. He usually isn’t aware that he feels exactly that, but senses some kind of inner unrest, longing, melancholy or sadness which is seemingly unprovoked by any outer stimulus. That’s why the most common indicator of the possibility that someone is identified with a dead person is precisely the emotion of sadness, which runs throughout the life of the identified person. Sadness is otherwise justified when we miss someone or something, but it is neither natural nor justified to be sad all the time. Such a constant presence of sadness, melancholy or depression indicates the need for someone or something we have lost, but are not aware of such a loss.
The unconscious longing for a missing person may be compensated for in various ways. People often search for a lost family member in alternate relationships of a similar kind, so we look for lost brothers or sisters in the living ones and sometimes in our friends or partners. In this way we may create friendships and partnerships which are basically of a brotherly or sisterly kind. If we lost our parents too early, we may also search for them in partners and have a tendency towards much older people as potential or actual partners, or simply expect them to treat us the way a parent would do. We do this kind of projection anyway, even if our parents are alive because that’s how transferences work, but if there is a missing person in the family we shall inevitably search for him or her in other people. And if our mother or father died too early, when we were still underage and emotionally immature, we will almost certainly identify with them and have all the characteristics of a DPI. This happens regularly because our normal emotional maturation process was suddenly interrupted. In our need to continue the relationship with the deceased parent we identify with him or her and stay that way until we finally diagnose and dissolve our identification. At the same time we will look for parental figures in our friends or partners and sometimes even in our children.
Even aborted children can be projected onto actual or potential partners. Here’s a good example of this. I once had a client who fell in love with a girl twenty-five years younger than him. This guy was a father of two and had a relatively harmonious marriage, so he considered his infatuation a kind of madness but simply couldn’t help himself. During therapy it turned out that twenty and something years ago he had gotten his former girlfriend pregnant, but she had an abortion and the potential parents tried to forget this “accident” as quickly as possible. Interestingly, their relationship didn’t last long after the abortion; six months later they broke up. This is, in fact, one of the typical consequences of abortion – partners either separate within months after the abortion or they are never as intimate as they were before.
As treatment progressed, this man established contact with his aborted child and concluded that it would have been a girl. Had she been born, she would have been in her early twenties. He visualized his daughter standing in front of him and to his astonishment she looked exactly like the young girl he had fallen in love with. At that moment the whole construction of his problem simply fell apart because he realized who he was searching for. The “infatuation” was in fact a projection, or a message from his higher conscious that something was not right. When he reconnected with his aborted daughter, recognized her and gave her a place in the family, he was able to continue with his life and stop the affair with the much younger girl, who was simply an object for his projection mechanism. He also felt an obligation to tell his wife and children that another member of their family existed, so that they could be unburdened from the tension created by the unspoken truth and unfulfilled need for connecting. In a therapeutic sense there was no need to discuss his short-term affair with the family members; the sharing of that information depends on the client, so it is his or her own choice whether to do that or not.
What we can see from this example is that some people may spend their whole lives being married to a projection and not to a real person. The need for a relationship is strong, but the strongest need is that for an unrecognized and unrealized relationship because the subconscious mind creates a kind of obsession with it. Until that relationship is resolved, actual relationships will suffer because they are not the priority. Therefore the identified persons will not be fully present when it comes to their actual relationships and will stay disassociated, distant or sometimes emotionally totally unavailable for a mature partnership. And if they find themselves in a bad partnership, they are usually unable to terminate it because it serves as a means of compensation for the missing person. The man I spoke about couldn’t dedicate himself fully to his wife and children, but had the need to “fall in love” with a much younger girl and waste his precious life energy on a strong internal conflict. All this time he was completely aware of his “madness”, but also of the fact that he didn’t know all the relevant factors of his problem, so he asked for professional help. And the solution came from an “unexpected” source, that is, from his need to bond with his aborted child.
So, the true cause was nothing abstract, esoteric or mystical, although people will often accept the craziest explanations for their problems before they finally accept the sane and sensible one. Whether we like it or not, most of our problems have their root in nothing other than the unconscious family dynamics. Although we may “think” differently, thinking will only lead us astray, into the abstract realms of who-knows-what, or into rationalizations which serve purely as justifications for our unwillingness to take the responsibility of facing the real causes of our problems. We need to follow our feelings in order to get to the cause, and feelings most often take us to the realms of interpersonal relationships. Since the causal models are placed in the subconscious mind, it is feelings that are the means of communication with the subconscious. When we follow our feelings, we are often surprised what we find in our subconscious minds, but we shouldn’t be because if we had known what was there, we would have been conscious of it. The unconscious contents are what they are, and not what we “think” they may be. And it is only we who can solve our problem permanently; no healer can do it for us because problems are not meant to be solved by someone else. They are here to teach us important life lessons, so we are the ones who need to learn them.
THE CONSEQUENCES OF ABORTIONS
When it comes to abortion, my aim is not to engage in discussion whether abortion is morally, religiously or medically justified or not. Personally I do not advocate any of the well-known stands (“pro life” or “pro choice”), but would definitely wish to address the possible consequences of abortion if we look at it in the light of the new discoveries of modern psycho-spiritual science. These consequences vary from none or very mild ones through to extremely harsh ones, those that can seriously damage our physical and mental health. Traces of this knowledge can be found in different parts of the world, but it seems that it originates from the islands of Hawaii. Local folk healers known as “Kahunas” have been using it in their therapeutic practice probably for more than a thousand years. The idea that interpersonal relationships play a crucial role in human health forms the basis of their work, especially the famous Ho’ o’ pono pono method. Kahunas claim that “our bodies reflect our relationships” and that’s why their healing practice is directed primarily towards treating the unconscious dynamics of family relationships, which is also the main topic of this chapter and one of the main areas of my work.
According to unofficial data, around 150,000 abortions are performed throughout the world every day. Regardless of the belief that abortion is a sin or, on the other hand, a completely harmless act, new teachings consider it an act which creates certain consequences. We all know that there is no one hundred percent reliable means of contraception, so the possibilities of becoming pregnant are considerably high. If pregnancy happens and the parents decide to terminate it, the first thing they need to know is that they are stopping the life of a living being. This act will affect not only the physical body of the mother, but also the psyche and energy bodies of both parents. Secondly, if they decide to keep the abortion a secret, the aborted child loses its role and place in the family, creating disruption in the family map. And finally, an abortion will also affect every other family member, even if they have no knowledge of it. So, there’s no need to waste time on morality here; if we want to sort out the consequences of an abortion there is much work to be done. If parents decide to take responsibility to face and deal with these consequences then they can be reduced to a minimum. If not, the choice is theirs, so at least they know who’s responsible if things go in an undesired direction.
After it was recognized that abortions have serious repercussions not only on our physical but also on our mental heath, the way to resolve these consequences was also discovered. It is exactly this fact that has brought about a small revolution in therapeutic systems. People who went through such a process have made significant personal changes and become able to finally go on with their lives after many years of unproductive suffering. But before I continue, I’d like to stress once again that on no account would I recommend abortion as a method of family planning and that I do not consider it a harmless act, neither physically nor psychologically. So, if you decide to have an abortion you should bear in mind that it has certain consequences, which may produce great suffering. In this sense it is much better not to have an abortion at all because we cannot fully resolve its consequences, as if it never happened. It will always leave some scars. If we use the methodology I am going to speak about in this section we can at least continue with our lives, but things will not be completely the same as before because a terminated pregnancy is also a form of violence, which is subject to karmic law.
Although DPI can appear as a consequence of the premature death of a family member, usually parents or brothers/sisters, let’s see how this identification looks in the case of abortion. If an abortion is accompanied by a sense of guilt and then suppressed and hidden (denied) from the other family members, then some of these members may unconsciously identify themselves with the soul of the aborted child. They become burdened with the emotion of sadness, trying to cope with it in many different ways. I have already mentioned that sadness is justified when we miss something or somebody, but the identified person is not even aware that he misses someone and usually ascribes his emotions to diverse false sources which have nothing to do with the real one.
The roots of this identification are based on the three rules of family maps, of which the second one says nobody dies. Deceased family members continue to keep their presence and position in the family matrix, not as some scary “ghosts” but as real persons with whom the living family members are strongly connected. When we apply this model to an aborted baby, we may say that such a person also becomes a family member at the moment of conception, with all the practical implications of his role and position. Never mind the fact that these beings exist only on the spiritual, psychological or energy level; they still exist as family members and need to be accepted as such. If not, then this kind of denial becomes exactly the main catch when discussing “abortion consequences”.
The third rule says that there are no secrets within the family. Although some family members sometimes try to hide or cover up their actions, a family secret can become a source of deep problems not only for those people, but for other members as well. Secrets actually cannot stay hidden; the so called “skeleton in the closet” keeps on burdening family members on the subconscious level, until it is finally revealed and sorted out. If we want to keep something hidden, other family members will inevitably sense that something is going on, although they may not connect their feelings with us and our actions. Sometimes they become nervous, restless, confused or melancholic. They try to explain their own emotional states in many different ways, projecting their true cause onto various inner or outer sources. But in this case the cause of their emotional problem lies in the unfulfilled need to be connected to an aborted brother, sister or child. This need exists independently of the physical existence of those persons and it is unconscious, blind and automatic. So, when we are unconsciously bonded to someone, we also experience all the well-known consequences of such bonding although we may not be aware of the bond itself or to whom we are bonded. We just “don’t feel good”, usually being depressed, melancholic or sad. Therefore there are no secrets in the family, energetically speaking. Although the true content of the secret may remain hidden, it can nevertheless be felt.
The first rule says that everyone has a specific role and position inside the family. If an unborn child was not accepted and appreciated by its family, then some other members may take the place of the aborted child and identify with it, especially the younger or more sensitive ones. Living in a psycho-energetic symbiosis with a dead person cannot be healthy, so the consequences may be various. These children sometimes feel sad and melancholic, have “imaginary friends”, fantasize a lot and spend more time in “other worlds” than in this one. Sometimes they possess strange psychic abilities which they cannot control, or they become obsessed with death. In my opinion some modern lifestyles express exactly this kind of karmic pattern. The so called “Gothic look” (dressed in black, with hair dyed black and black nail-varnish, looking almost like a vampire or the “living dead”) usually expresses this kind of obsession on the conscious level. Other forms may include hard drug addictions, extreme spirituality (membership in cults), a promiscuous lifestyle or some kind of suicidal behavior. The film industry also contributes to the expression of DPI through genres like horror movies, occult thrillers or fantasy/fiction works. The director Tim Burton made lots of films which seem to express DPI, probably without even noticing it, Beetlejuice being the most significant one.
Although the consequences are many, probably the most common denominator of all post-abortion effects is the incapability of living a happy and fulfilled life, at least in one of its major aspects. In a more or less subtle way happiness means nothing to such a person and the same goes for being successful. If a DPI person is very persistent he can succeed, but this will be a hard process, usually accompanied by a high level of stress and various crises. Sometimes such a person even reports having a kind of “dark stain” inside him or a “black cloud” following him wherever he goes. This black stain or cloud may sometimes stand exactly in front of him, but he is not aware that it represents his aborted brother, sister, son or daughter. This identification can also manifest as emotional hyper-sensitivity, as some kind of inner tension, a “frog in the throat”, strain in the chest or a constant pressure in the solar plexus area. The identified person usually believes that it is normal to feel discomfort most of the time and therefore tries to find relief in alcohol, drugs or prescription pills. At other times he attempts to find alleviation in so called “serial monogamy” or the constant changing of sexual partners. Sometimes these people involve themselves in spiritual activities which have the purpose of overcoming or “destroying” the ego. So, when manifested in an extreme way, this problem makes people unable to achieve deep personal fulfillment, happiness or self-realization in relationships or in any kind of creative activity. They only want to get rid of their constant inner discomfort and are mostly attracted to instant pleasures and having a “good time”.
If somebody is a parent of an aborted child, then the sadness which they feel belongs both to them and to the aborted baby, but they are usually not aware of this pattern. They think that their undesirable emotions have some other source, that being too soft or oversensitive is a “natural aspect” of their character, or even their genetics. But nobody is genetically sad, melancholic or depressed and neither is depression only a “chemical imbalance” in the body, as pharmaceutical companies would like us to believe. A depressed person misses something or someone and he has to discover what or who. What he actually misses may not be visible at first sight and usually belongs to the domain of “inconvenient truth”, so a depressed person must scratch under the surface and explore his unconscious mind in order to find the real cause. The information I have just presented may be of some help here, but everyone has to do their own research in order to discover exactly what the source of their depression is. And no “anti-depressant” can permanently alleviate the sadness – only discovering the true cause can do that and in this case it is always the reconnection with someone we deeply miss.
When it comes to partners and their partnership, once they have had an abortion their relationship will never be the same. Unless they take care of the consequences of the abortion, they usually break up within six months or cannot achieve the same level of intimacy and closeness ever again. Many partnerships are in big trouble after an abortion, but seldom are these troubles connected with the abortion itself. Usually one partner thinks that the other one has “changed for the worse” or vice versa, or that some insurmountable obstacles have suddenly appeared, which block the development of the partnership in a satisfactory way. For this reason partners often conclude that their relationship has no perspective and consequently end it.
Well, the fact is that something does stand between the partners – it is the soul of an aborted baby, trying to become recognized, accepted and given an adequate position in the family. It stands between them in order to attract their attention and will continue to stand there until it reaches its goal. Partners are usually not aware of this and think that their relationship became problematic “just like that”. Not true, because nothing appears just like that, not even children, although partners think that sexual intercourse is just a game or entertainment and that it is impossible to get pregnant that way. Yes, many people are quite surprised when they hear that the possible consequence of “sexy time” may be a baby, because they are not capable of taking even basic responsibility for their actions. Therefore they are also not aware of the relationship as the third force in human interaction, so they project its influence onto outer circumstances. What changes with abortion is not the other person but the relationship itself. So, besides sorting out the immediate consequences of the abortion, we need to know how to fix the partnership because otherwise it tends to become frozen or even terminated.
Contributing to such a lack of awareness is surely our contemporary society, because even nowadays there is a tendency towards underestimating relationships as an independent force in interpersonal interactions. However, the importance and influence of human bonding is visible in examples of persons who had bad relationships with their parents while they were still alive, but the death of their parents hits them just as strongly as if they were in good relations with them. Moreover, while treating drug addicts I found out that they share the almost unanimous view that when the dominant parent of an addict dies, he or she will also die within a year. Although having a bad relationship with that parent, addicts do not feel relieved after his or her death. On the contrary, they also die, either intentionally (by committing suicide) or unintentionally (from an accidental overdose or disease). Of course, drug addicts are rarely capable of taking care of themselves, but the real reason for such a quick departure after the death of the dominant parent is psycho-energetic, or emotional. Unpurified toxic bonds will pull junkies towards their dead parent. Since they are already weakened by their addiction, junkies simply cannot resist the pull, so they also die. Their death is therefore a natural consequence of the huge energy loss coming from the unresolved limiting bonds and identifications with the deceased parent. For this reason we should never underestimate DPI because it sometimes dramatically shapes our lives.
Here is a list of the most common characteristics of dead person identification:
● feeling sad, melancholic and easily bursting into tears;
● living a completely abstract or too much spiritually oriented life;
● acting childishly, especially concerning one’s emotions;
● being hyper-sensitive to outer impacts;
● being afraid of any kind of changes;
● refusing to participate in an every-day-life, finding excuses such as fear, cynicism, sarcasm, aggression, sorrow or guilt;
● being unable to stand sentimental music, movies or literature; or being overly sentimental;
● being irritated by little children or pets, or too attached to pets;
● being inclined to extreme sports - those people like to “provoke their destiny“;
● getting physically hurt pretty often (in car accidents, sports injuries);
● deep inside this person is indifferent towards life and death; she lacks the natural fear of death;
● possessing occult powers which they cannot control;
● having problems concerning pregnancy; a person cannot get pregnant;
● having unreasonable fears for their child during the pregnancy;
● showing tendency towards promiscuity;
● being attracted to drugs, with special tendency to hard drugs (at least 90% of hard drugs addicts are dead person identified);
● having preference towards black colour, black clothes, hair black;
● creating specific behavioural patterns, especially this one: „Betrayer – Abandoned person – Comforter“;
● identified person often uses expressions like „I am dying to...“, or „We have demolished ourselves at the party“…, or ”You are killing me…”;
● showing fascination with graveyards, battlefields, ex concentration camps;
● having interest in morbid stories, horror movies and occult or astral worlds;
● in more or less subtle way, this person is preoccupied by death; sometimes openly suicidal.
DISSOLVING THE DEAD PERSON IDENTIFICATION
When it comes to identification with aborted brothers, sisters or children, transformation of this pattern usually starts with revealing the truth. We must tell our children and the rest of our family how many potential brothers or sisters, children or grandchildren they have lost. “The truth shall set us free” and that’s why telling the truth itself gives both ourselves and other family members a certain relief. If we do not tell the truth, then the consequences can be quite destructive because children growing up in families with abortions or miscarriages never become completely successful and happy. Too often they end up as drug addicts or promiscuous individuals, as hyper-sensitive dreamers or even members of a cult. These people hardly ever reach their goals, have trouble forming intimate relationships and become losers with no desire to live a constructive life. Since this can be the price of a lie, I think it isn’t hard to evaluate what’s better – to express the inconvenient truth and free yourself and your loved ones from long-term suffering, or conceal the truth for the sake of your own comfort and burden yourself and others with unnecessary suffering.
Once we have revealed the truth, we may continue with balancing our relationships with aborted children, brothers or sisters and other family members. This usually requires professional assistance, but any attempt to solve these kinds of problems is still better than none. The aborted child (brother, sister…) has to be accepted and appreciated, and must be allowed to take their appropriate position in the family. Then the sharing of blessings may follow and in the case of DPI such a process is extremely important. Every child comes into a certain family carrying special grace and blessings for the entire family and also particular gifts for each member individually. The aborted child is not some kind of demon, chasing and accusing other family members for what they have done. It only wishes to be accepted as a part of the family and to communicate with its members, expressing love and blessings. Once all these processes have been settled and the soul of the aborted child has taken its position, it very often assumes the additional role of a family guide or protector. Existing free of material limitation, with a perspective much wider than ours, these souls become a true blessing for the whole family, guiding us towards unconditional love and creative self-realization.
The last phase consists of creating a plan and program of positive activity which we can occasionally perform in honor of the aborted child, brother or sister. This can be any constructive activity we can think of – a lecture or an article on the consequences of abortion, a donation to a humanitarian institution, some kind of spiritual work or a creative project, but also a change in our behavior and letting go of some personal weakness, overcoming a vice or systematic work on developing some positive personal quality. This activity can later become a source of great fulfillment. And finally, the proper handling of the consequences of abortion may turn into an extraordinarily strong spiritual experience for the person who works on their resolution. A former problem now turns into a deep blessing and one of the most significant spiritual lessons ever learned in our whole life. So, now that we know how to deal with them, it is a matter of personal choice, not “destiny”, whether we are going to resolve the consequences of abortions or let them continue to block our happiness. The process usually doesn’t take more than a couple of hours work and can even be done in just one session. Most people cannot in their wildest dreams imagine that some of their huge problems could be dissolved in such a short period of time and so they continue to suffer. But with new times and new knowledge, even hardcore suffering has an alternative. We choose to continue or end it for good. And since the methodology exists, intelligent people will use it.
© Tomislav Budak, December 2005