Now that we found love,

what are we gonna do

with it? 

Third World [1]

 

 
couple-love

 

Karmic problems manifest themselves through all basic forms of human motivation, including partnerships. Many people start self-development work because of their inability to form a partnership, or because of problems they have in partnership, which shows us that this field is one of the most important for personal development. Partnership relations can bring true fulfillment to human beings, if they are harmonious. If not, paradise easily turns to hell and relationships can bring severe suffering. In modern world, partnerships are too often seen as a source of pain ("Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and marks...", as the famous Nazareth song says), as something that cannot function harmoniously in the long term or be a source of lasting happiness. Even if they approach it positively, for many people partnerships are unsolvable enigma. People simply do not know what to do with them - how to start them, how to sustain them or how to end them. This kind of helplessness makes people accept views such as - "oh, those women/men, can't live with them, can't live without them". Some of us adopt even worse views, those that usually result in headlong flight from any kind of relationship commitment. 

However, things are complicated only if we lack appropriate coordinates, meaning - if we are unable to experience relating in its original form. So, let's see what this original form is, beginning with what it isn't. Many people see partnerships as a supermarket for satisfying their needs - men usually try to satisfy their sexual needs, and women more often strive to satisfy their emotional or material needs (this, of course, is not the rule). Although partnerships are partially based on common needs of both partners, they are not only meant for that. Some people see partnership as a training ground for curing their own frustrations, which allows them to subtly or openly abuse their partners. Others see it as a means to satisfy needs imposed by archetypal roles or social expectations. Again, relationships are in part a base for creating family, where partners take archetypal roles of father and mother, but not only that. For many people, partnerships become an escape from cruelties of everyday life, as they provide romance and connection to the light, comfortable and "high" side of life. Of course, partnerships can be that too - why not - but, again, they are not only that. So, what are they? At their core, partnerships are a means for personal and spiritual development. If seen as such, partnerships do stand a chance. If not, no partnership can survive or become a tool for long term fulfillment. 

When all is said and done, we can conclude that the common denominator of all problems in any relationship is the resistance to change, or to development. Relationships suffer crisis when one of the partners wants to change, or improve the relationship, and the other partner resists that. Although people do have the right to choose their own pace of development, it is good to know that change is a natural process and will inevitably happen, be it spontaneous or provoked by a therapeutic intervention. It is not possible to avoid change, because life itself is a process of development of consciousness, and life's challenges are opportunities to change and develop. Hence, resistance to change is one of the core sources of all human problems. Partner who refuses to change has to be aware of this fact, because life shows no mercy to human beings when it comes to change - there is no alternative. The resistance to change usually doesn't bring us happiness - it brings us hard life and unpleasant death. Without change, our lives turn into a grotesque nonsense and disregard of this fact will inevitably bring about destruction, in one way or another. 

When talking about systems of personal development, changes induced by therapeutic interventions are not something one could avoid if they do not "work on themselves". Change would happen anyway, but therapeutic intervention enables it to happen faster and easier. At the same time, personal transformation has its own ecology - it will not affect only the person undergoing such process, but will also influence people around them. Consequences of dissolving traumatic experiences and their psychological and spiritual manifestations (troubled family relationships, toxic bonds, identifications, connections to lower astral planes and so on) can be numerous, but they will directly influence person's current relationships. Since personal development is a course chosen mostly by adults, they have most likely entered some kind of partnerships. Hence, any change they make themselves will affect the relationship with their partner. The relationship itself is a third force, which results from interaction between two beings, therefore any change made by one person will bring novelty to this interaction. So, their relationship will inevitably change, but the issue at stake is - will our partner welcome the change? Sometimes partners react in a positive way to the changes we make, and even delight in them, but sometimes they do not, since the change has been in the direction our partner can not accept. Sometimes personal change influences our perception of the relationship, "opens our eyes", and we refuse to stay in such relationship if our partner refuses to change with us.

Consequences of such dynamics can be similar to consequences we experience when changed persons confront their own families:

-         our change has a positive effect on our partner, so he/she changes as well;

-         our change is not acceptable to our partner, so we revert to our old ways;

-      our change is not acceptable to our partner, but we refuse to change back, which results in a crisis that can bring about  ending of relationship.

So, it is likely that people resist change in order to preserve their relationships. For example, lot of people would like to develop spiritually, but since their partners can not accept that, they simply give up. Hence, the fear of consequences that would result from personal change is one of the main sources of resistance to personal development. Nevertheless, nowadays there exists a technology that enables us to do a lot of constructive work to preserve the relationship. This can even be done if only one of the partners participates, although willingness to work on their relationship coming from both partners is an ideal prerequisite.

On the other hand, relationship is in itself a tool of personal development. So, even if both partners are willing to go through a process of self development, their relationship is bound to go through different phases, many of which will be difficult. Not all relationships are meant to be forever - although given the best efforts of both partners, some relationships have expiration date and it is not possible to keep them by force. And yet, it is a pity not to preserve those relationships which do have good prospects, just because they are currently in a crisis. If people are not complete and integrated, after the romance fades away their relationship will necessarily turn into means of personal transformation, with everything that such development brings about - ups and downs, ecstasies and crises. The only way to avoid such scenario is to freeze the relationship in a rigid, traditional mode, with no closeness and openness, but only firm rules which are followed by partners at any cost. And although many people live like this, it is not the choice I would make or recommend. 

Relationships can suffer for many reasons, but it is mostly not due to differences of partner's characters or goals. It is because of inadequate communication and distorted perception of the relationship itself. If their characters and goals are too different, the partnership will not be possible, but it will at least be clear as to why. However, even relatively compatible partners can have huge problems in communication, without them even noticing it, which results in mutual blame. "Communication is possible only amongst equals", says an old rule. If it is loaded by different backgrounds, communication can easily turn into conflict. Backgrounds include different past experiences of the partners, mainly concerning influences of their families and past partnerships. All unsolved relationships that both partners bring to the current one will become obstacles for clear communication, and eventually their own happiness. Such influences will manifest through the projection mechanism and people will start "annoying" each other with their actions, although that annoyance is not grounded in the reality of their relationship, but is based on unsolved previous relationships. Such unresolved psychological scars stay in the unconscious, only to be projected or transferred to suitable persons.

Human understanding of relationships is nowadays on an extremely low, almost Stone Age level. That's why people who enter partnership usually think that they are alone in their relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth - when entering a relationship with another, we bring into it all members of our families, including our ancestors. We also bring all our past traumas, all past experiences, meaning - all changeable and unchangeable karma of both partners. Considering the fact that everything we carry within ourselves is shown in our relationships, it is obvious that partnership is designed not to be an unlimited source of romance and pleasure only, but also a tool of personal development. Even more than that - it is one of the most powerful tools at our disposal. Partnership is almost "sacred" in this regard, because it can bring about spiritual enlightenment, karmic purification and creative realization. At the beginning, romantic relationship will fill people with love, but if it continues and turns into partnership, it tends to bring to the surface everything that is not love (consciousness, truth), and tries to purify partners from such content. Since most people are unaware of this, they usually withdraw from the relationship once the cleansing starts, even if they formally stay partners for a long time.

Being a tool for personal development, partnership will inevitably go through three main phases. Those phases are typical and impossible to avoid, unless two completely integrated persons enter a relationship. Since I have never seen that, I can not speak about it. However, it is interesting that most relationships do not survive to see the third phase, or the second for that matter. Some do not even enter the first phase, because they were created only out of specific need or form. So, the phases are as follows:

1.      Compensation phase,

2.      Transformation phase,

3.      Realization phase.

 

COMPENSATION PHASE

The compensation phase is the starting phase in a relationship and, although the partners might wish for it to last forever, it has a limited duration - from couple of months up to maximum of two years. This is a romantic phase, where partners are so much "in love" (whatever that means) that their feelings cure all troubles and problems. Although partners may believe that this phase is a peak of their relationship, that there is nothing better than that, I have to demystify something for which the lovebirds would swear their lives on and defend by any means necessary. In this phase, partners idealize each other. By doing that, they serve as tools of compensation for emotional hurts they have suffered before, but also for all forms of lack of love from the past. Partners often behave as children in this phase - they cuddle and sweet talk each other, humor each other, they are always in contact (thus providing big money for telephone companies), they see each other every day or start living together. They try to spend as much time together as possible, and do as many things together as possible. That's why their relationship seems like a symbiosis where they are almost addicted to each other and strongly identified with each other's emotional states. Therefore they avoid topics that might hurt them, they keep silent about occasional problems or discrepancies, and they do not disclose every little twitch that they might

Being in love is all very nice, but it is mostly just a reflection of non-integrated archetypal models. We usually call this kind of "love" infatuation. And yet, there also exists a different kind of "romantic love" that is not just infatuation or projection of archetypes (about which most of the therapists specialized in relationship counseling know very little), but we shall talk about that later. This is because such feelings usually arise in the third phase - the realization phase. The kind of romantic love we are talking about now is typical for the first phase, the compensation phase. According to psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung, non-integrated archetypal models that arise in the first phase are called anima or animus. The set of disconnected male aspects that can be found in a woman is called animus, and the set of female aspects found in a man anima. They can create numerous problems, because they cloud partners' perceptions. Namely, the human Soul is not of female or male nature, but of both. Although human beings are divided into two genders, Soul is genderless. Since the path of human spiritual development leads to the wholeness of the Soul, while searching for their female aspects men will fall in love with women who are a good medium for projections of their anima and women o their animus.

This means that a man cannot see his partner the way she really is as long as he keeps projecting the disconnected, unaware and un-integrated parts of himself into her. He sees the ideal picture, projected out of his own (un)conscious, and falls in love with this ideal picture, and not with the real person. The same happens to women - if animus is not integrated, they do not fall in love with a human being, but with their own projection. To simplify matters further, it is obvious that persons with non-integrated animus or anima fall in love with - themselves. When unable to recognize and integrate the severed parts of their own Souls, people search for those parts in others. Here we are talking about typical mechanisms or sublimation, transfer and projection. Human beings can not deny or lose some of their original needs - they can only temporarily suppress or transform them. But then this other form has a certain power over the person - it becomes object of worship, idealization or even obsession. So, the feeling of "being in love" will persist for as long as the person is able to keep up the ideal picture alive. However, when partners show their human side, their "lower Self", then the illusory construction begins to crumble and people start looking for new partners, new canvases for their own projections.

Before we continue, it is important to note that compensation phase, although just a starting phase of relationships, still represents a goal on which some people have to work. Some people are so locked up inside that they lack even the ability to fall in love. Some have never experienced it, and others are disappointed in their past relationships and refuse to open up again. Hence, this phase is something they simply have to go through, heal through, to be able to develop themselves further. On the other hand, there are people who do have enough spiritual awareness to consider the idea of "spiritual partnership", but it is impossible to achieve such potentials when there is no true intimacy between partners. Therefore, it is not possible to reach for the highest goals of partnerships (the third phase), because if such yearning is not grounded in the first two phases, it can seem pretty grotesque. Longing for spiritual partnership within a shallow, limp relationship that lacks passion is a mission impossible. Partners suffering from basic sexual problems, communication problems, from issues with openness, or lacking tolerance and understanding will have their work set out for them even without going into the second phase of relationship, the transformation phase. Intimacy, trust and openness - which are the true meaning of being in love - will have to be primary goals for such people.

Being in love is considered by many therapists to be a primitive, shallow, illusionary or even dangerous aspect of love, but it has its role in the process of creating a fulfilling relationship, as well as in the process of personal development. Romantic love also stems from the contact with one's true being, the Soul or Self. Fulfillment which comes from such a contact is bait, used by Soul to draw human being to it. It is a tool which leads us to wholeness. Person in love can "love to pieces" only their partner, while enlightened people can "love to pieces" - everyone. But even the shallowest form of being in love will open up a person and show them possibilities of fulfillment that can be attained by cultivating the contact with true self or Soul. Shamans may occasionally use drugs to open up their potential apprentices and show them forms of fulfillment that can be achieved by cultivating their relationship to the Soul and Spirit. Soul will use romantic love as such a tool, so although usually short lived, being in love is necessary. Harmonious relationship will always start with falling in love, and continue realizing itself through being in love on a much deeper level. Hence, adults who are not living in a monastery, and still find themselves single for a longer period of time (or have never had a relationship or been in love), definitely have problem. They need not delve needlessly on their goals - their first goal is crystal clear. Without emotional openness and intimacy there is no emotional maturity. And emotional maturity is a first and basic prerequisite for spiritual maturity - not the other way round.

TRANSFORMATION PHASE

Once falling in love is done, however natural and desirable it might be, it will lead partners to the second phase of relationship - transformation phase. When partners have emotionally "fed" each other with love, and have to some extent compensated for past hurts, their relationship will evolve. So, sooner or later they will start discovering the real person in each other, person with certain kind of upbringing, habits, family influences and personal flaws. If those traits fail to match the ideal picture imposed by anima or animus, people fall out of love rapidly, and suddenly "do not understand" or "do not recognize" their partner any more. The truth is - they never did know each other, but now they are becoming aware of that fact. During compensation phase partners idolize each other, projecting their ideal notions between themselves, thereby feeling protected from the "ugliness of life". What they are actually protecting themselves from is their own "shadow" or the "lower Self". But, it is not possible to shield oneself from one's own subconscious - it is necessary to bring it into the light, to purify it and integrate it. When person becomes ready for such purification, the second part of relationship - transformation phase - will start, with all its numerous problems. Now anima and animus stop being positive, idealized images and turn into cruel and violent "demonic beings" which mercilessly haunt their carriers. They do it for a positive purpose, though, because this way or another, anima and animus will try to lead the person to integrating male and female principles within themselves. 

Why is it so important to integrate anima/animus? The answer is simple - such integration is one of the primary goals of human existence and development as a spiritual being. On this planet human beings are primarily concerned with learning lessons concerning the cosmic principle known as love. Love is a broad concept which envelops many aspects, so it is hard to say which aspect will be relevant for each individual. However, love is the common denominator of all the lessons that lead towards integration of male aspects of their Souls for women, and female aspects for men. Such integration leads to high levels of wholeness, and the tool for the integration is relationship. It is absolutely impossible to bypass this integration and problems created by anima/animus. Hence the most intelligent thing to do is to face them, instead of changing partners like crazy or running away from any relationship that might turn into a deeper bonding.

Men may have a harder time accepting the fact that they carry a feminine aspect within themselves, and that they have to get to know it well. But, if they do not do it, they will never truly understand women. If anima and animus are not fully integrated, men and women experience severe difficulties in understanding the opposite gender. In today's world, this lack of understanding is still on a very high level. Women kind of understand at least something, but men... almost nothing. Or maybe they understand too much, but refuse to accept the reality? Anyway, this kind of resistance ends up in creating defense mechanisms for their own protection and one of such mechanisms is a patriarchal society. In this way men are trying to maintain their dominance, but that dominance has its price. Since men have been refusing to open up and change the frozen image of themselves for thousands of years, their emotional intelligence is on a very low level. We can even say that the world is on a verge of self-destruction because it is dominated by an unbalanced male energy, while feminine energy is still being forcefully suppressed. Such state prevails in the world, more or less, and in Croatia it is still extreme because the social, political and religious power is held by men from rural (read - patriarchal) areas. They are usually aggressive and ruthless to the extent where they simply override flaccid urban "intelligentsia". Such men can be extremely tough on women, even to the point of hatred. 

For example, Croatian Prime Minister, while firing a female minister, tells her publicly that she is now "politically dead". His statement is then printed as headlines in the news. This kind of behavior, apart from showing an extreme lack of manners and taste, lack of accepting even the most rudimentary rules of behavior and total lack of respect for women, also represents the worst kind of verbal aggression, typical for mafia showdowns. In occult circles, such a statement would be considered an act of black magic. But politicians do not practice black magic, "they would never do such things", the majority of people think. Then again, maybe they are wrong, maybe politicians do whatever is necessary to stay in power. Also, the official state religion here is patriarchal (although other religions in this part of the world are not much better in that sense). All of his results in a belief that woman is a second class being and can not have the same status as a man. "The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit" are the main deities of the Catholic Church. The woman does not exist in that equation. Of course, there is "Virgin Mary", but she kind of twitters around males, having no importance. She is only some sort of servant to the male pantheon. The Church does respect the woman as "mother" or a "virgin", but not as a free, independent and complete person. Woman has to be "a paragon of virtue" or "servant", a "tool", but she can not be who she really is. Of course, there are realized women holding leading positions in political, social or business circles, but they often play a part expected from them by men. They also turn into freakish personas with over-emphasized male side, because true femininity is not desirable - only a few of those "monster-women" can succeed. 

On the other hand, entertainment industry has done all in its power to create an ideal of contemporary woman as an immature, anorexic girl, half naked or packed into erotic clothes. Such child-woman (usually called "baby") is what men desire, mostly because she is easy to control. Men with enough money can do what they want with such "females" - buying things (toys) for them they buy them for themselves. However, being a woman, in its true sense, is something completely different from "baby face" dolls created and used by movie industry. For example, not long ago Nicole Kidman stated for the media that it was perfectly fine that Israel attacked Lebanon (because movie magnates expect that from her). And Madonna, completely unprovoked, had a strong urge to say in pretentious rock magazine called the Rolling Stone that it was never proven that 9/11 was an inside job. But, being a woman is much more than serving The Man in the worst possible way. It is up to each individual woman to discover what this might mean for her. The same goes for men, when we talk about being a true man. However, they will not be able to do that if their male of female aspect is disconnected, and anima or animus constantly clouds their perceptions, or if they are used as a means of manipulation. When this is the case, men and women who lack connection with two basic principles on which our universe resides, have no other choice but to play the archetypal roles of "stud", "chick", " big mother", "father", "virgin" or a "saint".

Patriarchal society mostly results from conscious division made by world leaders in order to keep humanity under control. "Divide and rule" is an ancient model of government which is applied today in numerous ways. Lack of understanding between genders, which was created by overemphasizing the role of man and repressing the role of woman, has created a gap which is very hard to cross. Today, it is more natural for women and men to be enemies instead of friends, and that kind of model is being kept alive by all means necessary. However, patriarchal society has not only hobbled women, it has also created huge burdens for men. In the most patriarchal parts of the world, like Croatian Dalmatia for example, men are scared out of their wits, deep inside. Namely, they have to dominate. With this they carry the responsibility which is not theirs by natural right and, at least on an unconscious level, they sense this. Younger generations who refuse to treat women like garbage, end up being labeled "sissies" - not only by other men, but by women as well. Since women have grown up in patriarchal families, where it is natural for father to terrorize the mother, they do not know any better way to be. Hence, such women expect to be terrorized. If they are not, they consider their partners to be less than a "real man", and start belittling them, openly or subtly. No wonder such men end up being heroine users. What else can they do? Go see a shrink? They are not crazy, for God's sake! Real men do not go to psychiatrists; they need to be able to deal with their problems on their own. Yeah, sure. 

My view is that there is nothing wrong with different roles that the female or male principle can assume, but the problem is that their core aspects are being neglected in the process. Hence, the part of responsibility for inequality, misunderstanding and mutual lack of knowledge between genders lies on superficiality of traditional, collective models. Those models are changing lately, with the help of new knowledge and specific methods of change. Such knowledge has been available since very recently, but only in "alternative" circles which do not have the status equal to the official ones, and because of that they lack the appropriate influence. However, people with open minds have at their disposal numerous technical means, supported by practical theory, which can help them achieve those goals. Equality of male and female principles within a person is not out of reach anymore. It is not even a goal which would require years of psychotherapy - person now only needs to be willing to work and to change. Unfortunately, mostly women decide to achieve such goals, because their emotional awareness is more developed, so they possess more courage. Men think they are "real men" only if they are solid as a rock, or rigid as an erect penis. Softness, flexibility and openness are acceptable only when they are drunk or stoned. However, they do not know what they miss, since there are so many interesting women out there, who cannot find a mate on this poor planet of apes. 

When talking about transformation phase, it is usually characterized by cleansing of all unwanted models that block the free flow of energy/love between partners. Persons, who wish to keep their relationship harmonious or deepen it and make it better, will usually go through more specific types of inner purification which will cover specific contexts. In both cases such processes are usually concerned with cleansing the relationship to the opposite gender parent, who is a role model for the type of partner that a person will find interesting. Besides that, the relationship with the same gender parent also needs to be purified because it represents the role model for the reactions to the partner's behavior. Both parents are sources for role models which, if not positive, can have a limiting influence on our partnerships, causing numerous blocks and problems. So, going through different levels of transformational phase would stir up the sources of current problems, which can range from different traumatic experiences and their spiritual and psychological consequences, influences of family dynamics and hereditary factors (miasms), all the way to deep and subtle influences of collective unconscious - the archetypes  or the Matrix.

REALIZATION PHASE

Transformation phase usually ends when all unwanted models which have resulted in separation of male or female principles are dissolved and by that anima/animus are finally integrated. Of course, personal development does not end with this integration, but now it is possible to realize the relationship and create it in the way partners choose. Partners are now able to accept each other, since they have accepted themselves and their own male or female aspects. They are also able to understand each other because they understand themselves, and the filters which clouded their perceptions are gone. So, now is the time for the third phase, for true realization of the relationship in an optimal way. That means that both partners can realize their full potential, without any one being threatened or suppressed. Partners can now realize themselves as complete persons, aware of the role of relationship in the process of human creative fulfillment. In a spiritual sense, integration of anima or animus also leads to ability to connect to a certain spiritual stream, metaphorically described as "pure love" or "pure land". Both terms are metaphors for the first level of Paradise (Heaven, higher astral realm) where beings are dedicated to realization of ideal of universal love. This level can also be called the sphere of "pure happiness". Even if people are not aware of this fact, happiness resides in love, and not in money, freedom or creative work. Happiness is in love. This does not mean that other things in life are not important. For example, source of person's satisfaction is in creative work. Inner peace lies in humanitarian work, while true fulfillment lies in consciousness of one's core nature, together with the ability to create such models in practical life. 

It is necessary for the third phase of partnerships to know one's core nature and to be willing to realize it through relationship. Realization phase is usually described as a form of partnership where two "enlightened beings" create a relationship based on their spiritual experiences. This phase is not passive in the meaning that all need for inner cleansing and development is gone. It is still present, but such cleansing puts minimal strain on the relationship and does not endanger it. Creating families through such relationship can represent one of the purest and highest experiences that human form enables us, because children will be incarnated into a community of conscious parents. Such community is an ideal prerequisite for creating a healthy human being which will not have to spend half of their life struggling with inherited problems and limitations. Unfortunately, as I have already mentioned, such form of realization is very rare. Most of (married) couples realize their relationship through archetypal programs which manifest through familial or social expectations. Creating families is a natural human need, but it can come about in many different ways and with different motivations. If it is done only for form's sake, children would lack some aspects of emotional maturity which could have been achieved through unconditional love from conscious parents. A parent who is not an integrated person, unable to unconditionally love themselves and their partner, will not be able to extend that kind of love to the child either.

CREATING A HARMONIOUS RELATIONSHIP

Although one might conclude by reading the previous lines that it is only possible to achieve harmonious relationship in a third phase, this is actually not true. The three phases are not artificially divided from each other - they are mostly intertwined, although the stated processes will dominate each of the phases. Hence, harmonious relationship is possible in any of the phases, if the partners are aware of them and if they are willing to carry out specific activities or steps that are typical for each of the phases. This means that harmonious, happy relationship is created and it requires knowledge and skill, not luck or fate. Creating relationships is a complex process because, for start, it requires a new culture of relating. And this new culture starts with oneself. 

Namely, nowadays many people find it difficult to find an appropriate partner. At the core of this problem, apart from "objective" limitations, lies lack of love for oneself. Such un-love results in lack of awareness of one's own value, and in lack of ability to protect one's own integrity. And that kind of person is not attractive to opposite sex. On the other side, persons who are able to unconditionally accept, support and love themselves will be interesting to others. Therefore, those people need to work on the causes of their lack of love for themselves. When they finally enter partnership, the next condition for a harmonious relationship will be the ability to see the partnership as a tool of personal development. This does not mean that they should stalk each other and obsessively search for connections between certain reactions and their possible causes. It only means that they need to work occasionally on some of their obviously unnatural behaviors. Although most people do not perceive relationships in this way, it is not possible to deal with relationship problems by ignoring them, or by expecting that they will somehow solve themselves, "given time". I have never come across such a scenario, although sometimes the passions would temporarily settle. But in the next occasion, problem would usually manifest itself even more forcefully. So, it is only a matter of time when partners would either agree to do some constructive work, or simply break up and claim that "they were not meant for each other". Maybe they really weren't, but they will never know for certain because they have not even tried to work it out.

Concerning the basic prerequisites for creating harmonious relationship, they are as follows. First and foremost, partners have to be committed to the relationship, because it is impossible to work on a relationship if both partners are not willing to stay in it and be faithful to each other. If the partners wish to stay together, then it has to be seen whether both of them are willing to work on their relationship, or not. For some, conscious and active participation in creating a relationship can seem as an unobtainable utopia, but I only want to emphasize here that there exists a constructive alternative to bickering, boredom, abuse, infidelity or rigid traditional models. Although some people might conclude that only spiritually minded persons, who are willing to self-develop, are able to have harmonious relationships, it is not really true. Spirituality and active approach to relationship creation are not necessarily connected. What is needed here is technical knowledge, not spiritual experience. If there are specific models of thought, behavior, diet and exercise that enable preserving one's physical health (which could be, but not necessarily, connected to spirituality), then there are specific models which create or maintain a harmonious relationship. Creating a partnership is a matter of technology and its skilful application, not fate. Hence, if persons do not engage in active work on their relationship, there will be no success. Let me repeat once more that relationship is a tool for personal development. If not experienced as such, it will become a heavy burden for both partners. Under such a heavy load, relationships will either mutate into traditional models, based on some kind of interdependence or sales contract, or they would break up.

If both partners are ready to cooperate (or if there is a possibility for such readiness to be created), dealing with relationship can be continued by establishing needs and goals of both partners. This can be followed with dissolving communication loops, projections and transfers, and also with a number of other therapeutic interventions which would dissolve both obvious and hidden inner resistances, objections and "diversions" that prevent partners from creating a harmonious relationship. In this way, partners who are willing to work on their relationship can improve it by harmonizing their wants and needs, values and goals, by developing necessary qualities and cleansing inner obstacles such as traumatic experiences, toxic dependencies, identifications, connections to former partners or the influences of bad role models. For the willing, nothing is impossible. Creating harmonious relationships nowadays becomes a matter of choice, not fate. There is no such "partner's horoscope" which could be a "lucky" one, if partners are not willing to consciously work on creating their relationship. Of course there are more harmonious horoscopes, numerologies or personality typologies then the other ones, but that does not automatically assure that the relationship is always going to be harmonious. But, if the partners are willing to experience their relationship as a tool of personal development, this opens up a path to fulfillment which will have boundaries set only by partners themselves, and not by good or bad luck. And the level of such fulfillment can be incredible.


© Tomislav Budak, October 2006.


 [1] Refrain of the song "Now That We Found Love" by a Jamaican band Third World.