Don't become a victim of yourself.

Forget about the thief waiting in the alley;

 What about the thief in your mind?

Jim Rohn (American Speaker and Author)

 

 

Loss of Identity

 

IDENTIFICATIONS

Human beings are much more than they think or believe they are. Every human is an incarnated self or soul and the essence of man is originally divine. A soul contains all imaginable potentials and humans will be exactly what they believe they are, doing whatever they believe is possible. The self is by nature magnificent and limitless and the universal spirit is all-powerful, so humans obviously and unquestionably possess limitless possibilities. This is visible in numerous examples of successful people, for if only one single person is capable of realizing extraordinary acts, then anyone can do it, if they are willing to put in adequate effort. Jesus himself told us, “Whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing and they will do even greater things than these”. According to the Bible, Jesus called himself “the son of man”, indicating that his potentials were human and possessed by all people, and that he was not a “sublime” or “superhuman” being. Such “superhuman” potential should be brought to the consciousness and developed, because it is not exclusively reserved for a particular caste or race.

 However, many people have a low opinion of themselves, believing that they are what they have been taught to believe. Very often such beliefs are determined by our upbringing or by the area we inhabit, as they reflect the typical worldview of that area. For this reason many of us think that we are just “small people” who “can’t do anything” and are “destined” for whatever life we have. But our beliefs also determine our achievements. If we believe that we are incapable of something, then we actually won’t be capable of it. On the other hand, if we change our beliefs, regardless of what other people think, we can attain significant achievements. Although the world we live in is not ideal and doesn’t teach us how to creatively realize ourselves, everybody still has the chance to discover who they are, to win their place and live as they wish, and not according to imposed norms.

 For if we don’t take care of ourselves, someone will come along and do it instead of us, and this someone rarely does it to our satisfaction. The world is still in the hands of greedy and manipulative people who stop at nothing in order to control the masses and exploit them shamelessly. They don’t need conscious and free individuals with the possibility of choice; they need robotized yes-men who will obediently work for them. People who don’t know who they are cannot create their own lives independently, so they serve the system. But no one can be truly happy living like a robot and serving the inhumane system, no matter how much they convince themselves that they are. There is always some kind of a sale contract which has to be signed here, having all the well-known characteristics of the “pact with the devil”. People who sign it become split personalities where one part of them might be satisfied with the situation they are in, but some other part usually suffers. On one hand they might be materially provided for, but the true meaning of their existence – the creative self-realization – is not achieved or is postponed into an indefinite future, a next life, once, someplace, if ever.

IDENTITY LOSS

Technically speaking, identity loss is the first consequence of a traumatic experience. This means that trauma inevitably provokes a separation of a certain quality of our true selves and from that moment on we lose access to that quality, often thinking we never even had it. But the identity doesn’t have to be lost forever if we know how to retrieve it and if are willing to take responsibility for the consequences of reintegration. After all, anyone who wants to develop personally and spiritually has to work on retrieving the lost aspects of their own true selves or souls. Recovering the lost identity is therefore one of the basic aspects of any integral therapeutic process, so it is not possible to avoid it. As you have already seen, every traumatic experience and toxic bond is routinely accompanied by identity loss, for under the influence of stress, shock or violence people simply lose contact with their essential qualities. Some lose their integrity and some literally lose their minds, changing their behavior and reacting neurotically, aware that they don’t have control over some of their reactions. Others even react psychotically, unaware that they don’t have control of themselves, of their perception and behavior.

 Mental wholeness is one of the key elements of the human development process, so we simply have to return to the state of unity with all possible aspects of our true self; there is no way this can be avoided or neglected. For this reason the famous psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung considered the integration of all the lost parts of our soul a basis of the individuation, which is the term he used to describe the personal development process. That’s why the integration process makes up the basis of all the therapeutic interventions the TKP system is dealing with. We always perform it in a certain context though, because it isn’t possible to do the integration directly, without having dissolved the causal psycho-energy structure which constitutes the body of a problem, and without having learned the lesson hidden behind it. But although necessary, all these processes only prepare the ground for the most important aspect of the intervention, and that is the recovery of the lost part and its full integration into our everyday lives.

 The soul is a complex entity, which possesses most various potentials for its own manifestation and man is the medium for such a manifestation. Psychologically speaking, our psyche is a set of different personalities, or aspects of our original nature. But under certain circumstances our psyche can literally come apart and fall into pieces. This is precisely what goes on at the moment of trauma because many people will say that under the influence of a shock or long-lasting pressure they simply fell apart, “snapped”, or “irretrievably” lost a part of themselves. Apart from traumatic experiences, identity loss may also happen if someone or something makes the giving up of an essential aspect of our personality a condition for a relationship. We then tend to renounce or betray ourselves in order to be accepted by our environment. Such an acceptance could sometimes be necessary or justified, because it implies biological survival as well. In prison, for instance, it is difficult to be what you are unless you are an aggressive and dangerous person by nature. Gentle people who find themselves in such extreme conditions have to renounce their softness in order to survive physically. The same goes for political regimes persecuting their opponents, or business teams governed by some written or unwritten rule which has inevitably to be respected.

 Identity loss may begin as soon as a soul enters the manifested universe, and it may continue throughout all the forms it takes, not only the human one. But if we narrow our exploration down to a single human incarnation, we may say that identity loss usually begins within our family, from the moment of conception on. If the conception was not optimal or “immaculate” (conception will be discussed at greater length in the next section of this chapter), then the conceived child relinquishes some particularly essential aspect(s) of its soul. What we are talking about here are such aspects which can give us a dose of charisma or bestow us with some special talent. Because all people have great potentials; it is just that some of these potentials are lost at our very conception and it is difficult to recover them afterwards, unless we undergo some form of therapy.

 Another way to recover our lost potentials is a life crisis or an extremely tough situation. If a crisis doesn’t bring out “the worst” in us, it may actually bring out “the best”. Life sometimes pushes us into initiation processes by confronting us with some powerful challenge, where our problem cannot be solved by familiar means. It requires a deep inner transformation and for this purpose we have to discover powers previously unknown to us[1]. These “unknown powers”, or that which is “best in us”, is usually some personality trait that we once had but have lost or forgotten over the course of time. The story of the little lion who grows up with the sheep without knowing that he is not a sheep speaks precisely of the “awakening of the primordial nature” in extreme conditions. Namely, when his herd is attacked by wolves, the former “harmless sheep” roars mightily and frightens the wolves away, to his own amazement. Without such an extreme condition the lion would never have discovered his true nature. And an even more famous example is the story of the ugly duckling who, after long-lasting ridicule and rejection on the part of the other ducks, finds out that he is in fact a beautiful swan. But not everyone can survive such extreme conditions, and it is not necessary that they occur for that matter; it is also possible to experience a transformation of this kind during a therapeutic process.

 Identity loss is then continued during the child’s development, or through the so-called “educational process”. Such a process consists mainly of adapting the child’s behavior to social norms, but since the society we live in is by all indicators not healthy, this adaptation is not necessarily a healthy process, especially if it is conditioned by parental love. If a child concludes that he will not be loved and accepted unless he adapts to social or family norms, then he may give up those aspects of his own personality which are not acceptable to his parents or society as a whole. He loses them, cuts them off, forgets about them and creates such a reality where there is no place for a true self. I have already pointed out that the primary human need is to be in a relationship, well connected to close persons. Such connections can sometimes become unhealthy or “toxic”, based on certain conditions, but it is better to have a relationship of any kind than no relationship at all. In toxic bonding, identity loss occurs regularly because a natural aspect of our personality cannot be expressed, as the bond’s character doesn’t allow for its manifestation. Conditioned love in a way “forbids” people to be what they are, that is, to express a natural and essential part of their true self.

  Since toxic bonding is not optimal, it creates frustration because the need for the lost part doesn’t disappear. In trying to compensate our need somehow, we create back-up identities, which, however, can never entirely fulfill us in the way some of the original aspects of our own soul could. Even worse, such an identity loss often results in the addiction to some destructive source of fulfillment compensation. A person who was not allowed to express his own will as a child can sometimes become an alcoholic who behaves violently under the influence of alcohol, or expresses his will in ways which are neither appropriate nor concern his true needs. The identity loss always creates the need for compensation, but such compensation is often carried out in a negative way and ultimately doesn’t fulfill the person at all. This is a fact very well known to any smoker, alcoholic or drug addict; most of them would like to quit, but they simply don’t know how.

THE ORIGIN OF IDENTIFICATIONS

The phenomenon called “identification” occurs if the identity loss is accompanied by identifying with a significant back-up identity. A person gives up a substantial part of himself, but the gap which emerges in this way is filled with an identification with someone else, with another person’s worldview and behavior. The role model for such a back-up identity is usually someone from the family, most often the parents. So, the person is strongly identified with somebody else, but is usually not aware of it. He thinks that he feels his own feelings and lives his own life, but in fact expresses another person’s thoughts, emotions and behavior. A life role (identity) built in this way doesn’t entirely fulfill the identified person, but he doesn’t know any better.

 Martyn Carruthers, the creator of Soulwork, suggests that identifications are in fact a healthy reaction to unhealthy life circumstances. As children we protected ourselves from destructive family influences, which could have seriously endangered us as long as we were emotionally and materially dependent upon our parents. We “played their game”, but since such a game was adopted very early on, usually under the age of seven, it afterwards became so entwined with our character that we forgot about it and started thinking of it as something “normal”, or as a natural aspect of our own personality. Although some aspects of our behavior may be completely “insane”, being under the influence of identification we are not capable of recognizing our own act, because such models are the only thing we are familiar with. As we don’t have any idea about alternative possibilities, we accept the limitations of the existing reality as objective and our reactions to it as normal.

 Identification with someone else usually brings certain benefits – often a sense of protection, guidance and orientation. The identified person is emotionally attached to the identification itself, or to the role he is identified with. This role brings him at least some kind of fulfillment, whatever it might be, as well as a feeling of closeness to the family member with whom he is identified. So, through his identification this person also finds his role and place in the family and once he gets used to it, it is unlikely that he will ever change it. But aside from the apparent benefits, identifications normally bring a series of actual losses. The identified person gives up his own true self, renouncing responsibility for his life and thereby throwing away some of his essential life goals. Instead of freedom, identification creates limitations based on its very structure, or the written and unwritten rules which govern it. The essence of identification is in a sort of sale contract between two people which may look like this: “As long as you play my game there will be peace in the family”, or: “If you accept the imposed role, I will love you; if you don’t, I will not”, and so on.

 Although identifications belong to undesirable life models, the need for identifying belongs to the natural development process. As long as someone’s personality is not well-defined, such a person will be looking for role models (mentors) in other people who correspond most closely to his worldview and life concepts. Children regularly identify themselves with their parents and adolescents with famous people (actors and singers who they adore and idolize). In such identification they search for their own identity, although this identity may have nothing to do with their true self. Football fans identify themselves with their club, patriots with their nation and religious people with the church as a community or with church divinities. Many artists identify themselves with their role models or mentors and spiritually oriented people often identify themselves with their teachers or gurus. We all identify ourselves with our own emotions, beliefs or life philosophy. What is more, we often identify with the emotions of others – the whole film industry is based on the audiences’ emotional identification with the sounds and images on the screen, which are no more realistic than dreams. Still, we often sympathize with actors and sometimes experience their feelings intensively, almost as if they were ours.

 However, all identifications have their consequences. Although we are not what we identify with, identifications are sometimes so powerful that we may waste all our energy and time on justifying it. For example, “believing in something” is actually a very powerful kind of identification. If our conviction turns out to be wrong, then we may feel as if we have lost our footing, or as if “our world were falling apart”. But nothing has fallen apart – it is just our belief that has turned out to be untrue. Because we were emotionally attached to our belief, disillusionment has produced a sense that we have also lost a part of ourselves. Therefore the degree of our emotional identification determines the strength of the identification itself. It is not easy to let go of a model we have invested a lot of emotional energy in and this is exactly the reason why identifications are so persistent.

 Therefore the famous “disillusionment process”, often experienced by truth seekers, is nothing more than a process of de-identification from an idea, a worldview or a belief about ourselves or the world around us. This is also the reason why such a process may be painful, because our mind (ego) experiences the emotional de-identification as death and produces typical reactions – denial, fear, sorrow, insecurity, resistance or anger. Being disillusioned, a person will feel insecure for as long as he doesn’t identify himself with a new reality. It is best if this new reality is the true reality, based on a connection with inner sources of fulfillment – the soul and the universal spirit.

 Whilst our identity is not entirely founded upon the original self (soul), we tend to identify ourselves with external sources of fulfillment, with other people and their lifestyles. Such forms of identification are often mild and we are usually not aware of them; they exist for as long as it takes for us to become independent and ready to create our life on our own. However, a deeper or even complete identification with another person occurs at a moment of trauma, when we accept the domination of another person. Such identification emerges unconsciously and automatically, so that the identified person often doesn’t even know that he is identified, although the identification is visible from his worldview and behavior.

 In other words, an identified person regularly feels the presence of “someone or something within himself” and this something or someone has a decisive influence upon his inner states and behaviors. He feels emotions whose origin is unknown and sometimes changes his mood for no reason. He can barely control himself and in extreme cases may feel “possessed” by someone or something. For the identified person happiness and success are meaningless, and fulfillment is largely unattainable for him. He sees the world as an unjust place where “honest people” cannot realize their goals. Therefore he avoids discipline and responsibility for his own life and continuously offers apologies and justifications for his failures, the causes of which, of course, lie “out there”.

 Before moving on to their interpretation, let me give a general definition of identifications. It seems that an identification is a type of human emotional reaction which essentially resembles someone else’s reaction. This means that an identified person feels emotions which are not originally his and has a worldview he inherited from someone else, or he even behaves like someone else. Why? Because the primary human need is to be in a relationship and this need is stronger than the quality of the relationship. So if a parent requires that a child gives up an essential part of his personality as a precondition for their relationship, then this relationship will become an ideal pretext for forming certain identification. For the sake of his own psycho-physical health a child simply has to feel related to his parents, because this connection is more important to a child than his own integrity. If a parent doesn’t accept his or her child such as he is and in certain ways imposes his or her own models of living and behavior, the child will gladly adopt them. Since he sees his parents almost as gods and since gods cannot be wrong, the child identifies himself with the life models of his parents.

 From such a definition of identification it is obvious that the identified person regularly inherits someone else’s undesirable states. In the section dedicated to the basis of human motivation I talked about a child whose mother plays the victim role. She suppresses her anger, thinking it will somehow disappear in this way, but that is not actually what happens; a child who is powerfully connected with his mother through subtle energy cords can express this anger instead of her, or for her. Feeling the continuous presence of anger, the child can become an aggressive person although this aggression originally doesn’t have anything to do with him. It is inherited from his parent, in this case from a victim-mother. Now you can see to what extent parents influence their children’s worldview, behavior and way of living. For that reason parents must continuously and with dedication work on themselves – on their mutual relationship and on the relationship(s) with their child(ren). In this way family life may become the medium of personal and spiritual development of all its members individually, but also of the family as a whole. Harmonious families don’t fall from the sky; they are neither God-given nor happy or unhappy only by “fate”. They are created and the knowledge on how to create them exists, so it is wise to use it.

THE CHARACTERISTICS OT VICTIM IDENTIFICATION

This identification represents a global psychological epidemic. All people are at least partially victim-identified, because humanity still hasn’t attained such a degree of emotional maturity which would enable it to assume responsibility for its actions and stop blaming the external world for its own problems. Our parents, partners, the State, the Church, global conspiracies or God are to blame; everyone except ourselves. Complaining and regretting are constituent parts of human life, especially in Croatia, my home country, where the degree of “naturalness” of the victim role in all fields of life is such that optimism, joy or benevolence has become dangerous. Croatian people are literally insulted when someone is in a good mood without reason. It is desirable to complain and lament in social situations, or to resign oneself to destiny because “there is no choice”, “that’s the way it is” and it is better to take no action because “it can’t be helped anyway”. And while the people are complaining, Croatia is governed by mafia. Yes, a victim needs a tyrant in order to justify her role…

 The reason for the existence of this model probably lies in Croatia’s history of “a small nation which has for centuries been a victim of conquerors, totalitarian regimes, wars and poverty”. A crucial role has been played by the Catholic Church with its myths which, ultimately and unfortunately, manifest as an obstruction to happiness and self-realization. The Catholic Church employs fabulous legends of the “crucified Christ”, who suffered and died in order to “redeem human sins”, along with the notion that all people are sinful by their very birth and “guilty until proven innocent”. In this way guilt is systematically implanted into the believers’ subconscious and also in the collective unconscious of the area (state). Sinful beings have no right to happiness and suffering is a natural thing for them. This kind of thinking inevitably attracts someone or something to be the cause of such suffering and that cause is usually called a tyrant. A victim is, of course, dissatisfied with her identity, but since it also brings some benefits she stays inside this model, constantly complaining but changing nothing. She would gladly get rid of her negative emotions, for under the influence of tyranny it is hard not to feel angry, enraged or resentful. But that is all she is prepared to do. Facing the real causes of her state is not what she wants; she just needs a quick fix which would give her “symptomatic relief”. Some victims would probably like to defy the tyrant, but conclude that for some reason such confrontation is impossible. Sometimes it is due to the conqueror’s strength, sometimes because of the too powerful repression mechanism of a totalitarian regime and at other times for the sake of domestic peace.

 The victim role can be manifested globally, but its sources are always local. So, everything starts within the family. If families were healthy and harmonious there would be no need for tyranny, because the tyrant has learned somewhere that tyranny is a “normal” means for achieving his goals. The tyrant also used to be a victim and now he compensates the former role with the complementary one. Tyranny does create a victim, but all victims will regularly become tyrants themselves if they don’t transform their identification in the meantime. This means that the natural development of a victim will inevitably lead to the tyrant role because no victim abandons her role automatically when tyranny stops. Indeed, the victim either continues to play it in a new way and tries to find a new tyrant with all her might or becomes a tyrant herself. The third possibility is that a victim who is aware of both options assumes the role of a “savior”, but in this way she still remains within this model, sacrificing her own happiness and personal realization.

 Even if they are not tyrannized themselves, victim-identified people usually adopt their identification by watching the relationship between their parents. If our parents are emotionally not on an equal footing and their relationship is not primarily a partnership, then one of the parents dominates over the other. The dominant person is usually more active, because he or she determines the rules and demands their observance, whereas the subordinated person passively accepts and fulfills the other’s demands, whether he or she likes them or not. In other words, an unequal partnership is governed by conditional love instead of unconditional love, because it is based on a sort of sale contract. Unconditional love, I repeat (and will keep on repeating for the time being), is distinguished by the unconditional acceptance of another person such as he or she is, as well as by an enthusiastic support of his or her endeavors, provided that such endeavors are ethical and are not violating anyone’s integrity. On the other hand, conditional love poses requirements and rules, so a person is accepted, loved and supported by the other only if she fulfills these rules and requirements. If she doesn’t accept the conditions or tries to rise in revolt, the tyrant will try to compel her to observe them. If the tyrant succeeds, the victim will have to swallow her pride, renounce her integrity and suppress the anger she inevitably feels. For the victim is not allowed to express her anger openly; if she expressed it, she wouldn’t be a victim any more.

 However, the rules say that it is not possible to suppress emotions, they always find their outlet. As all family members are interconnected and constitute a psycho-energetic whole, the suppressed anger and frustration of a parent-victim will be felt and expressed by someone else in the family, mostly by a child. It is in the nature of emotions that their suppression causes the effect of a waterbed – when we press it at one point, the bed rises at another, the one which at the given moment offers the least resistance. Even people who know that suppressing is not optimal think that a pushed down emotion will harm only them, saying, “never mind, I’m suppressing it and I take responsibility for the suppression, as I’m the one who’s going to bear the consequences anyway.” However, it is not so. A family is a system and every element of the system is related with all the other elements. All family members are mutually linked by subtle psycho-energetic connections which behave as telecommunication devices, spontaneously and automatically conveying information from one person to another. This means that all family members feel suppressed emotions, at least on the subconscious level, and the most sensitive person will not endure the pressure and will have an irresistible need to express them.

 Whereas other family members may use various means for suppressing unpleasant information/emotions and therefore consume nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, tranquilizers or drugs, the sensitive person becomes occupied with a new aspect of her own personality –destructive impulses. She gradually becomes aggressive and watches the world through dark eyeglasses, seeing injustice everywhere. At least she is expressing that which the others suppress, but instead of disciplining herself and taking responsibility for her own life, she tends to blame external circumstances for her own failures. She constantly senses a smoldering anger and if any opportunity arises she will gladly express it. At the same time, if someone points out to her the identification she will most likely deny it, because every identification brings certain benefits to a person and the victim is usually the most powerful person in a family. What is more, she is often the one who controls the whole family. This is the true reason why victims deny their role – their manipulation would have to end then, as they would inevitably have to take responsibility for their own lives.

 That’s why no victim is totally innocent. Good examples of this are people suffering from some kind of illness. In other words, even the sick or the “poor victims of a horrible illness”, achieve some goal with their problem. Maybe they just get attention or maybe they are punishing themselves for some of their actions, but most often they keep some toxic relationship alive by means of their illness. Unless they are caused by some external influence (an injury, unhealthy food, harmful radiation, etc.), all illnesses are reflections of negative identities and beliefs, charged with emotions and pushed deep down into the subconscious. Just as the subconscious mind is manifested directly through physical states and body language, so is our body a reflection of our worldview. Our posture, body language and health reflect our subconscious programs. The natural state of the human body is healthy, not sick. Therefore an illness is a reflection of unnatural subconscious programs. And since such programs are adopted through interpersonal relationships, in the end we might say that an illness is nothing other than a mirror of our relationships. For this reason, the victim of an illness is not really a victim; she has directly contributed to such a condition. The logic here is clear, so there is no excuse or turning attention away from ourselves. We create our own diseases with a certain aim.

 An illness is often underlain by an identification. Identifications are almost always followed by some kind of disease, since it is hard to keep the immune system strong when a large part of our soul is missing. To have a healthy immune system we have to be whole, so identified persons usually have a chronic health problem. That’s why it is absolutely necessary to check for identifications, especially this one, if someone has a serious health problem. Although usually created with positive intentions, identifications may have deadly serious and destructive consequences. A victim-identified person simply wanted to be connected with a parent who also plays this role. In order to remain connected, accepted and loved by that parent, the child herself accepts such an identity. She does not want to become sick; she just needs love. But being loved by a victim may cost the child her health and personal realization.

 Besides having personal problems, victim-identified people often fight against social injustice. They join Greenpeace or some other similar organization but are easily manipulated because they themselves are not free of their own identification. It is impossible to free others and not to be free yourself. In this way they only find occasional outlets in revolting against some external “injustice”, but that doesn’t move them away from their identification at all, no matter how profound and noble their intention is. No external injustice is the original cause of our personal problems; the cause is in our karma, here manifested as subconscious family dynamics. Of course, there are numerous problems which do belong to the sphere of social injustice and have a limiting influence on us. However, although today’s world is everything but normal, a victim has to find the way to put her house in order first. Fighting against global injustices and at the same time being in the victim role, throws serious doubts on the motives of such a person. Only intimate personal realization and inner wholeness can be legitimate motives for global action.

 As I have already mentioned, all identifications are easily diagnosed through goalwork. When making a step forward towards her goal a person may report that a huge quality is missing and that’s why she can’t realize her goal. The other most common indicator is a block which covers more than two chakras and extends throughout a larger part of the body. In addition to the symptoms which are valid for all identifications, here are the most typical indicators or aspects of victim identification:

- The key emotion is anger; a person feels angry in many situations, but usually expresses it where it is least needed and doesn’t express it where she should.

- The victim is not allowed to express her anger in a relationship with a tyrant; she suppresses anger and such suppression results in certain consequences.

- The victim-identified people have a lot of energy and are able to define their goals, but during goalwork they lose their motivation and invent various justifications for giving up.

- They create models of behavior of the “Victim – Tyrant – Savior” type.

- They become followers of spiritual teachings which believe in a “savior” or “salvation” and thereby give up responsibility for their own development.

- If they dedicate themselves to spiritual development, victim-identified people can embody the savior role; instead of “saving themselves” or realizing a happy and fulfilled life, they help others and try to “save the world”.

- They create an image of a “good”, “honest”, “decent”, “helpful” person; they side with the weak and are often typical losers.

- They commit occasional excesses and are unable to maintain their own image and control their behavior completely.

- They play the victim role in the earlier part of their life, but later on they most often turn into a tyrant.

- Their body posture reveals readiness to fight; they tighten their jaws and sometimes grind their teeth; they often clench their fists, their muscles are highly contracted and sometimes heavily built-up.

- They are critical towards the external world; nothing is good enough for them; nothing is perfect or correct; they see an attacker or tyrant in everyone, dishonesty and insincerity everywhere; they feel threatened all the time.

- Although they are constantly complaining, like all identified people they don’t really want to change; if they look for professional help they want someone else to take over the responsibility for their life and to solve their problems.

- Although it doesn’t usually look like it, the victim is often the most powerful person in the family.

- During goalwork they swerve (to the left or right), rambling and changing their aims, setting a new goal, or a new version of the former goal at every step.



[1] You can never solve a problem on the level on which it was created”– Albert Einstein.

 

© Tomislav Budak, 2004.

 

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